O The Love of the Father

Dear Lord,

Thank you for the privilege of being alive.
Your word says i slept and awoke because you sustained me.
Thak you for sustainance.
If not for you on my side, determined to bring me into the purpose i was created, I would have been long gone!
Thank you for keeping me!
When i sit and attempt to understand and demistify this "love" that you have for me, i end up more puzzled and confused as i was before i started.
Lets focus on Saturday. That was deliberate. I knew it was wrong. Yet i went ahead. I hurt you.
I was selfish.
Very selfish.
All the while, i knew i was hurting you but i just couldn't stop or let go. Is the issue a weakness on my part? Greed? Too little love for you? I am currently almost frustrated thinking about how stupid i have been to ever hurt you....
Dear Lord, when i prayed last nite, i know you heard me...i am positive...but Satan still seems to be on my shoulder accusing me at every second.
i know i can deal with Satan. Afterall, i am well aware of his tricks and antiques. My issue is me.
i seem to be in a constant struggle these days.
To say the right things.
To study as i should.
To do the right things.
To be in the right places.
To think the right thoughts
To love the right way.
To feel the right things.
To speak to you the way i ought...
God help me.
This is a cry from my heart!
I know you forgave me the second i asked.
But what happens if i do it again?
What happens if i slip and fall yet again?
I never want to frustrate or take advantage of the grace but i need help!
Help me Father!
Help me.
To live a life worthy of you!
Abounding in every good work.
Bearing good fruit!
Help me to look anger,greed,envy,idolatory,rage, compromise and all the rest in the face and say NO!
Help me to flee every appearance of evil!
Give me the strength to stand.....
Give me the ability not to want to go back...cos right now, i really feel that way (Daddy, even if i do not tell you this, i know you know....)
Help me Lord.
Strengthen me.
Give me the strength i need for this journey!
I am getting weary!
I am making too many mistakes...
My eyes have been off the word for a while.....
I need you!
I need you!!
I need you my father!

As i type this, i weep.
It's difficult being different.
It's difficult holding unto the unseen.
It's difficult being who you have made me to be....

Help me Lord. I am weary! Help me.
Thank you for Maxwell. He has been a pillar....
You have obviously used him mightily in my life....
Thank you....

But even Maxwell cannot understand how it feels inside!
Help me.
Not to drag your name to the mud.
Not to falter anymore in this period of waiting.
Not to attempt to help you....
Help me.
To understand that this period of being alone is for a reason.
To understand that the higher you go the lighter you must travel
To understand that you are right there beside me.

The issues seem to be increasing.
But like you spoke to me today through your word, i know that You are a stronghold in times like these...

Help my shortsightedness.
Help me to realize that no one is indispensable.
Help me to stop jumping the gun.
Help me to understand without acrimony that people can make their choices and such choices may not necessarily be me.
Help me to forgive those who do not even have any clue that they have wronged me....

i think again about Cyril's visit.
And i wonder.
Did i carry such anger for 6 years?
What sort of a Christian am i?

Dear Lord, please help me.
Thank you for this love....
This grace so amazing.
This love so divine!
This Love!
O this love....

i love you Father.
From the depths of my being.
You are my lover.
The only one!
The only one!
The only one!

Thank you for everything.

With Love,
Your prodigal daughter now returned!
never to leave your side again....

i love you